Unload Your Brain!

I feel scattered these days.  Summer's waving it's good-byes in cool morning breezes and the nearing of Labor Day.  School will soon begin, routines will reign (which is actually music to this type-A Soul), Sunday School and Homeschooling Group will resume, and the leaves will begin their annual transformation, blanketing the hills in the warm tones of autumn.  Typing this list reminds me how excited I am for the transition!  But what's got me scattered is that between now and the beginning of October, I have three separate trips to take, I'm teaching 6 weeks at our weekly homeschooling group, the house will get dirty, need to be cleaned, and then dirty again, same with the laundry.  Oh, and there are relationships that I'd like to nurture and develop both within our family and with friends.

How quickly I can get overwhelmed when I don't breathe ... mentally.

And I forget to let my brain breathe.

Then I settle into patterns of worry and fear.

Didn't Jesus say something about tomorrow having enough concerns of its own and to focus on the day at hand?  Oh yes, He did.

All of those things that crowd our minds and threaten to undo us are real.  In my case, the trips will happen, I will teach the classes, the house will get dirty and cleaned (even if it's only the swiffer and disinfecting wipes version), the laundry will get done (because my family appreciates clean underwear), school lessons will be completed.

But the Savior reminds us to look at today.  I don't need to worry about how everything will work out this fall, September, next week,

or even tomorrow.

Today I need to look at the people and tasks before me and take care of those things that must be done today.

Breathe.          Pray.          Be still and know that I am God.

Then what?  We all still have things to do within our realms of calling.  It is unlikely that in your quiet time God will give you a specific to-do list for the day; at least this has never happened to me!  But God does give us space to cast our concerns on Him and gives us wisdom by His Spirit throughout the day.  For example:

Has a friend come to mind?  Prioritize giving that person a call today or tomorrow. 

Preparing for a big event or the school year?  Break it down into parts and spread out tasks over the days you have between now and the event or first day of school. 

Do you have some travel coming up?  Hang a piece of paper somewhere or start a list on your phone so you can jot down things you want to remember to take as you think of them.

We need to unload our brains!  (Don't tell, but I even keep a piece of paper handy during my quiet times to jot down things that come to mind; once they're out of my mind but recorded somewhere, I can refocus on what's before me.  I'm one distracted lady.)

I've been working on unloading my brain by talking with God about my concerns (rather than clinging to them) and writing important things on pieces of paper.  Because, quite frankly, we finite folks cannot reliably keep it all in our heads.

We aren't meant to.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Will you join me in doing some "brain dumping" today?  I pray that it's a blessing to you and brings peace to your heart and mind as you anticipate the beauty and busy of the coming fall!

Thanks for Your Prayers

I've got a lot of reading, thinking, and nuts-and-bolts planning to do this summer, but somehow it all seems more manageable now.  Thanks for praying!

I feel encouraged by how God is growing our family together and working in each of our lives individually as we walk this homeschooling path.  Reading the first two chapters of Educating the Whole Hearted Child by Clay Clarkson today reminded me of how wonderful the calling is, to disciple and educate our kids ... in that order.  What a privilege to touch their hearts for eternity!

For the record, I don't do it well a lot of the time.  I yell in frustration; I get lazy as a teacher; I'd rather hang on the computer than engage with my kids; I often want to let the tv take care of them.  But it uplifts the heart to be reminded that it's worth it to reevaluate, make changes, stick with good things, engage, and persevere.

After having time today, I feel freed from many fears that I was letting dominate my heart as the school year came to a close.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for praying!

Off to plant some flowers I bought this morning and then,

A WEEKEND AWAY WITH MY HUSBAND!

(All caps means I'm excited about it.)

Have a good weekend, readers.

May you have at least one conversation this weekend that fills you up!

Time for Reflection

Maybe you remember this picture from earlier in the year.  My friend Kit shared these thoughts from an in-service at her school on what makes a good reflection.

Today I have the totally-not-taken-for-granted privilege of a free day.  The kids are with my mother-in-law (thanks Gladys!) and I can do whatever I want.  The challenge has been deciding what to choose from the long to-do list!  This morning I tackled Mt. Ironing and went for a run.  Now (after as shower, because seriously, I need one) I will take care of a few errands and then get into the meat of the day: reflection.

This afternoon I'm going to take Kit's reflection list, and think and pray about this last school year. I've been craving time to evaluate the year (in a pro and cons list kind of way) and look ahead to what we'll keep and what I'd like to change about how I'm doing things with the kids.

As I worked my way through Mt. Ironing this morning, it occurred to me that I wanted to and needed to have God in on the process of looking back so I remember to extend myself grace for failures, to give Him praise for triumphs, and to seek His guidance for the future.  I get completely overwhelmed trying to figure out what materials to use or not use because there are just so. darn. many.  The Spirit reminded me that God will guide our decisions for our family and I need not fear.  Phew!

I say all of this to ask you to say a little pray for me this afternoon.  Would you?  Please pray that God would give me focus and clarity of thought ... I can get distracted.

I'd also love to know how I can pray for you today.  Leave a comment or shoot me an email, if you'd prefer something more private:  heatherashe at gmail dot com.

Have a lovely day, friends!

Who I Am: a Birthday Reflection

No accident,

I am a product of

places lived,

choices made,

experiences had,

but mostly,

people known.

Parents, siblings, friends,

spouse, children, neighbors,

pastors, teachers, employers,

YOU

shaping - 

as clay in the potter's hand

gently molding

or

roughly kneading - 

me

into me.

Steps guided by the Creator,

my path crossing yours

mingling a while

in history.

I give thanks

to Him

for using you

to mold me 

into who I am.

A Pencil and Paper Post ... Almost

If it weren't so sloppy, I'd take a good photograph and let you read what I wrote while on the plane.  But for the sake of legibility, here it is typed.

********

April 11, 2011 - in flight between Boston and Pittsburgh

My first ever laptop-of-my-very-own shipped today, so here I sit on the plane home from Boston with paper and pencil to "write out" the time there.

I can sum it all up with one word, one feeling: GRATITUDE.

I just finished another chapter in The Call about the necessity of thanks-giving.  Guiness says that calling is a reminder for followers of Christ that nothing in life should ever be taken for granted; everything in life must be received with gratitude. p. 206

I finished the chapter just prior to take-off, slipped into some prayer for the ladies who attended the retreat and were back into normal life again today, just wrapping up the nine-to-five.  As the plane took off, the tears came.  Now, mind you, I'm sappy and cried plenty this weekend.  Emotion can overcome me too quickly for my taste!  But, we're fearfully and wonderfully made, aren't we?  God wants me this way.

What brought the tears this time?  A deep mix of joy and sorrow: joy that God has been directing and overseeing my way, sovereignly orchestrating personal decisions and external events and circumstances to draw me nearer to Him and His people; joy that I got to see so many dear people this weekend; joy at the memories past and present that fill my mind and heart.

But I am sad.  I'm sad to leave these friends and our history behind.  I'm sad there wasn't just. a little. more time. to be together.  I'm sad that, for now, our sovereign God sees fit that we live in Pittsburgh.

But oh how we can give thanks in such joys and sorrows!  Were it not for our years in Cambridge, under the teaching at Christ the King, I would not have been there this weekend.  The spiritual growth in that place and opportunities to learn and to lead have been for me a training ground and a launching pad.  At the same time, I'm also thankful that we are near our families in Pittsburgh and have found a new church home where we're being taught, fed, and challenged.

Praise the Lord!

I was overwhelmingly humbled to stand before that room full of wonderful women and speak the gospel into their ears and hearts.

I'm awed by God's faithfulness to me as I have considered His call to more intentionally develop and use my gifts to serve the Church.  There are really not enough ways to give Him thanks.

I'm baffled that God uses us as vessels of compassion, mercy, and grace even as we struggle against our own deep-seated sins and transgressions.

I'm thankful the gospel is true.  Christ has died; Christ is risen; Christ will come again.  Hallelujah!

Sweet, blog-reading friends, will you join me and give thanks today?  Look around you.  Look back. Look ahead.  Consider God's faithfulness.  Consider His call.  Open your lips to praise Him.  We improve at giving thanks as we practice giving thanks.  We're changed when we give thanks; and God gets more of the glory that He deserves.

Exalt the LORD our God
   and worship at his holy mountain,
   for the LORD our God is holy.

Psalm 99:9

Nourish and Refresh

I have a headache this morning; the kids aren't even up and I'm already too tired to deal with their needs today.  Our house is also a bit of a disaster from the weekend.  How will today pan out?

Well, I have a choice.  Will I grumble, mope, and complain, acting like anything that's demanded of me is the world's greatest burden?  Or will I pray, depend, and give thanks, acting like God can and will give me all I need for the demands of the day?

I want to choose the latter, but will need a lot of Holy Spirit reminding to do so!

These verses have stuck me in my reads through the Proverbs over the last few months:

The lips of the righteous nourish many,

but fools die for lack of judgement.

Proverbs 10:21

The generous man will prosper;

he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Proverbs 11:25

Nourish and refresh.

What do you picture when you hear those words?  A beach vacation eating ripe tropical fruits, sipping cool beverages, and lounging by the ocean?  A day at the spa where you are pampered with massage and quiet?  A weekend in the mountains, hiking trails by day and stargazing at night?

As we approach our days - especially the ones when we're not feeling up to God's call to love Him and love our neighbor - will we be people who nourish others with our words and refresh them with our generosity?

Our words and generosity can nourish and refresh those around us.  Today the choice is ours with a God behind us who nourishes and refreshes our very spirits with Himself, right in the midst of our everyday, busy, demanding reality.

Two things for today then:

1. Open up the Word and allow God to nourish and refresh you with His grace, mercy, and love.
2. Open up you lips and heart to let those blessings you've received spill out to nourish and refresh those around you.

May God bless and equip you today to be a nourisher and refresher of others!

Happy New Year!

It's 2011!

New beginnings are often a time for reevaluation and reflection for us, aren't they?  We look back and we look forward; we rejoice and weep; we anticipate and we regret.  As I think about 2010 my heart is full; it was a wonderful year for us with Colin graduating and getting to return to Pittsburgh as major highlights.  The kids have been growing and developing in ever more delightful ways.  I can see how I've grown and changed, too.  My thankfulness runs deep.

Graduation day!

But as I look around our house, I also see how I've failed.  We moved six months ago and I have projects I never finished, that I certainly could have made time for, (e.g. Brian's baby book is pathetic!)  I see how my own laziness and lack of initiative has resulted in piles of papers, scattered supplies, and miscellaneous messes throughout our living space.

the average state of the dining room table when it's time to set it for dinner

With my personality, I'm tempted to give up and be swallowed up by the shame.  But this morning, God reminded me that His mercies are new every morning, and how grateful I am that a new year is beginning so I can consider how to better use my time and use it unto the Lord.

Last year, I chose Psalm 33:4 as a family "theme verse." For the word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all He does.  I had it hung on the front of a cupboard in our kitchen in Cambridge, and on my nightstand here.  God worked His Word more into the fabric of my life and the life of our family throughout 2010.  He has also impressed upon us more that He is faithful in all He does.

Have you ever chosen a theme verse for a year or even a theme word, as they've been taking about on KLOVE this week?  Doing so can be a great anchor for both staying focused during the year and witnessing how God uses His Word specifically in your life.  It certainly made a difference to me this year, finding myself learning to turn to God's Word when I had questions or frustrations, rather than trying to simply work it out from my own limited knowledge and twisted up emotions.

love these berries in the midst of the winter drear

So, what's up for 2011?

Over the last week, I've been thinking about my lack of skill at separating work and rest and my tendency to rush to "play" before my work is really done.  This led me to dig into Scripure to find verses about work and rest.  I found that God gives us two kids of rest: plysical and soul.  If I seek both my physical and soul rest according to His guidance and directions, my life will function as He intended and be less dominated by confusion, doubt, and guilt.  Yours too!

My fresh, new journal now has these verses written on the first page:

Exodus 31:12-13, 16: I love the image here of celebrating the Sabbath - working hard the other days and really celebrating the day of rest God's given us!

Isaiah 30:15, 18: I long to be a woman with a quiet spirit who trusts wholeheartedly in her compassionate God.

Jeremiah 6:16: I hope to practice asking God the good way and finding rest as I walk in it this year!

Matthew 11:28-30: I want to learn from Jesus as I read about Him in the Bible and take on His yoke, receiving greater rest for my soul. 

Here's what I want to be pondering and/or practicing throughout 2011:

1. Treating our Sundays as celebratory rest days - preparing food ahead, planning (or not!) fun activities for the afternoon, etc.
2. Finding soul rest even when life is full and busy - working joyfully, not grumbling about upset plans, staying on top of tasks and doing so as working unto the Lord, etc.
3. Looking more at Jesus and what He teaches us about who God is and how learning from Him can lead to a more soul-restful Heather.

What are you thinking about as you begin the new year?  Whatever it is, may God bless you and keep you, make his face shine upon you, be very gracious to you, and give you peace!

Why We Need Christmas

Throughout the Christmas season I have been thinking a lot about the Trainer family.  I met Mark at camp in high school and he went to my senior prom with me.  We recently reconnected on Facebook where I learned that his youngest child, only about six months older than our Brian, was battling a serious form of cancer.  I started following her/their story, written mostly by Mark's wife, Shauna, on caringbridge.org.

Sweet Hailey died in November.

My heart broke for them.

I have kept reading Shauna's posts at CaringBridge and it has been a blessing to me this Advent and Christmastime.  (Thanks, Shauna!)  Reading about their joys and sorrows during and since Hailey's death has reminded me why we celebrate at Christmas.

This world is a mess and God entered in!  He took on flesh; He walked our roads; He endured the sins of others; He showed us what God is like; He bore the penalty for the sins of man.  Christmas brought good tidings of GREAT JOY because the Savior was born.  All of the waiting was worth it.  The faithful looked upon the face of their Savior and rejoiced.  Mary pondered all of these things in her heart.

Christmas reminds us that God has not abandoned His world or His people.  He knew and knows our deepest need - to be rescued from sin - and He made it possible by the only means, becoming the sacrifice Himself.

In grief, though we feel we cannot go on, Christmas reminds us that God is near; He has a plan; He fulfills His promises; He will come again.  We may not know why God allows things to happen or does not answer our fervently prayed prayers.  But He is still God, and as our Loving Father, he can tenderly bear us through our griefs and trials.

I've never been as thankful for Christmas as this year.

Last night we learned that the father of a high school friend of Colin's died of a heart attack a few days ago.

More grief.  More death.  More pain.  More sorrow.

As we pray for this friend and his family (they lost their mom as well, not too many years ago) I have to think about heaven.  I have to think about my God, His promises, and  lean not on my own understanding, but trust in the LORD with all my heart.


He is no "grab yourself a cup of cheer" God.  There's no need to feign happiness when your heart is aching.  The pain in this world is real as real can be.  But the Christian knows he has a God who suffered, even unto death on the cross.  He knows our pain; He grieves with us; He holds us close and never lets go.  THIS is the hope of Christmas.  God entered in, and then He promised to come again, once and for all one day.  It is good news.

Come, Lord Jesus.

COME, LORD JESUS!!

My Life is not a Television Drama

Life has been going really well lately, which should be a good thing. Right?

But, now and then, I find myself expecting some terrible thing to happen. Really terrible, such as one of the kids suddenly falling ill and being diagnosed with a terminal illness, Colin dying or losing someone else who is close to me.

It's weird.

I imagine, however, that some of you can relate.

Because like me, you've seen too many television dramas on stations like Lifetime. In the opening scenes life is beautiful: the people are beautiful; the dialog is beautiful; the music is beautiful; dang it, even the weather is beautiful!

Then it happens. An accident or a natural disaster. A disease or a death. The protagonists are thrown into the trials and it gets intense: the people are intense; the dialog is intense; the music is ... well, you get the picture.

Honestly, this is how I've been thinking about my life. In my mind it goes something like this: Things are just going too well. Really, life should be more difficult. Surely something awful will happen soon.

My husband is good to remind me, when I make some pessimistic comment, that God does give us blessings we can enjoy and He's not out to get us. He loves us; Jesus took on the punishment for all sin. I'm thankful for my husband's influence, because certainly, thinking like this reveals a flawed understanding of what it is to be God's child, His sheep, His beloved. For even when life is difficult, I can still trust him for my every breath and need.

In addition to unbelief, such thoughts also reveal how what you put in effects what comes out. My mom used to say (much to my annoyance, because I wanted to be free to enjoy the smut other kids were allowed to see and hear - now, I thank you mom!), Garbage in, garbage out. And Paul exhorts us to think about the good, pure, noble, excellent, praiseworthy things (Phil 4:8).

My life is not a television drama.

My life is under the precious care of God the Father, Son, and Spirit. Yes, surely a tragedy (or more) will come my way in this life - which until now, frankly, has been filled with ease - because we live in a fallen, death-filled world. But as King David said: All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be, Psalm 139:16. Neither the good times nor the bad times take God by surprise. He will see us through.

The main take-away point for me from all of this is to stay connected to God in prayer and through Scripture. If life isn't a television drama, or a tossing of the dice, then I need to get to the Truth to understand God and the world. Peter closes the final chapter of II Peter with these words:

Dear friends, this is now my second letter to you. I have written both of them as reminders to stimulate you to wholesome thinking. I want you to recall the words spoken in the past by the holy prophets and the command given by our Lord and Savior through your apostles.

May you stimulated to wholesome thinking in the coming days, friends!

Life is not a television drama. Praise! the!! Lord!!!

Routine

We've begun week #2 of the "summer routine". I don't know your personality, but mine needs some structure. Since having kids, I've learned that you can't have too strict of a personal schedule. But, it is helpful for me and them to have a general routine each week. Kids over 4 or so benefit from knowing that we won't go swimming today but it's on the schedule for X day. You know what I mean?

Right now our "main events" look like this:

Monday - park & library in the morning / afternoon swim

Tuesday - mommy work-out at gym in the morning, rest of the day free

Wednesday - church playgroup in the morning / Grammy is home from work

Thursday - mommy work out and trip to museum or zoo in the morning / afternoon laundry

Friday - groceries in the morning (they have the cool car carts!) / afternoon swim

As you can see, most of our time is free and all of these activities can be easily moved around if other plans arise. I also like having fun and work in the schedule, so I know there is a time when the clothes will be washed and when we will restock the refrigerator!

Here are some photos from last week's trip to the Children's Museum, because what's a post without some photos?! We missed the Curious George exhibit when it was in Boston and were delighted to see billboards announcing that it's now in Pittsburgh! It was the first stop in our visit.

(I like the juxtaposition of

the antique pump and the contemporary car.)

While there, I totally got photobombed by my Son;

must be an effect of the museum!

Do you have a summer routine or do you think that's an oxymoron? What are the highlights of your week?

There's Something About That Name

I'm thinking about Jesus this morning. Here are a few verses about Him:

Colossians 1:15, 17

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together

Hebrews 1:3

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word.

John 1:14, 18

The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father full of grace and truth.

No one has seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made Him known.

Jesus is God, and he had no problem identifying himself that way when he "made his dwelling among us." He's other than anything we can imagine, and yet he walked in our shoes and endured life's temptations, so he could be our perfect Savior. It's all too lofty to comprehend, in many respects. Yet, we're asked to do is believe that it's true.

We don't have to do this blindly and without reason. We can look at Jesus - the radiance of God's glory, His exact representation, the image of the invisible God, the One and Only - at how he lived, died, and rose again, and see how He really does hold all things together. (Col 1:17) As we search the Scriptures, God gives us faith.

I'm sure there's a lot to unpack in the above verses. I'll leave the Word to speak for itself and let you read them in context, study commentaries, etc. My reflection is this: if what the Bible says about Jesus is true, we can find peace in Him alone - wherever we are, whatever we're enduring. God came down to live among us, gave us a chance to know Him better, and He is holding everything together and sustaining it. We need not fear; someone much, much greater is in charge.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

There's just something about that name

Master, Savior, Jesus

Like the fragrance after the rain

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

Let all heaven and earth proclaim

Kings and kingdoms shall all pass away

But there's something about that name

(the Gaithers)

What is the Present Value?

Our pastor likes to ask men in their ordination exams this question: What is the present value of the blood of Jesus in your life?

Here's my answer this week.

I have spent the last week being short with my kids: barking commands at them and getting easily frustrated with them. Yes, there's an element of PMS, but it doesn't excuse my sin. I was feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of moving, getting dates set, not getting as much time with Colin, and so on. You've all had busy times in your lives and (more than likely) my female readers can relate to how hormones can heighten the intensity of said situations.

But guilt was mounting, when I would let myself think about it. I found myself looking for an escape, rather than face and confess it. You know, sometimes I feel like such a fool, constantly apologizing to my kids for my harsh words and actions. Anger rears it's ugly head quickly when things aren't going my way! Yet despite my embarrassment, I cling to the hope that as we talk they're learning that we never outgrow our need for Jesus's blood, the forgiveness of sin. And that we can rely on God to transform us as we walk with Him, because He loves us very much.

The present value of the blood of Jesus in my life is very, very high! I cannot live without it. Without it I have nowhere to turn but my own deeds, and my deeds are evil - even my attempts at good are tainted with sin. But God is in the business of redemption, transformation, and hope. This morning, I was reminded in a friend's status update on Facebook: we are God's workmanship (poema) created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 (Thanks, Jodi!)

The blood of Jesus reminds me of the depth of God's love. In the last couple of months, I've asked God a few times that He would help me to better understand that He loves me. It's happening! Sermons I'm hearing, books I'm reading, and Scripture on which I'm meditating are melting my hard heart to receive and rest in God's love. From that place of security and peace, knowing that Jesus blood has made our relationship right, I can freely pursue obedience without fear, because I want to love my Father back.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song by Andrew Peterson, All You'll Ever Need. (Get your hands on his album 'Resurrection Letters' if you can.) This song ministered to my spirit last night as I swept my kitchen floor and cried tears of joy and thankfulness. I'd like to call it a "weep and sweep." Very therapeutic.

The blood of Jesus, it is like the widow’s oil: it’s enough to pay the price to set you free. It can fill up every jar and every heart that ever beat. When it’s all you have it’s all you’ll ever need.

The blood of Jesus, it is like the leper’s river, running humble with a power you cannot see. Seven times go under, let the water wash you clean. Only go down to the Jordan and believe. Only go down in the Jordan and believe.

And I need it, I need it. The closer that I grow, the more I come to know how much I need it.

The blood of Jesus it is like Elijah’s fire, falling on the altar of your faith. All the wisdom of the world could never conjure up a spark, but no power of Hell could ever quench this flame. No power of Hell could ever touch this flame.

And I need it, I need it. The closer that I grow, the more I come to know how much I need the blood of Jesus.

The blood of Jesus, it is like the widow’s oil: when it’s all you have it’s all you’ll ever need.
It is all you’ll ever need.

What is the present value of the blood of Jesus in your life today?

Real Life with a Real God

If you're new to the blog, here's the story on my life right now:

My husband, Colin, is a PhD candidate in Cambridge, MA, (where we have lived for the last 7.5 years.) He will defend and hand in his thesis before May 21. Graduation is June 4. We need to move out by June 12; we are headed to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is where our families live. Colin will be working where we attended undergrad and we will live with his parents for at least a short while.

We have two children, ages 5 and 1 (will be 6 and 2 when we move). The younger prefers getting up by 5:30. every. single. day. We started homeschooling this year; a decision we're very happy with, but that demands certain attention from me, as you might imagine. And Colin is in full-blown writing mode. We see him for meals, but he's had to devote most of his time to writing. Meanwhile, I've begun to think about packing, throwing away, organizing, etc., and about the people I want to see and things I want to do before we go.

In the midst of all of this there is so much to be thankful for:

• Colin's going to graduate; this is a beautiful testimony to God's tender care for him and our family. (Contact me if you want the whole story.)
• We get to go be near family.
• Colin's worked at home, so we do see him more than if he stayed on campus. (Thanks, dear, I'm really thankful for this.)
• I'm sad to leave - this has been a sometimes trying, but WONDERFUL chapter of our lives.
• Many friends and family have offered to help us with the move and childcare to prepare.
• We can look back and know God was with us; we can look at today and know He is with us; and we can look forward and know He will be with us.

But folks, there are times - like this morning - when I find it very hard to be thankful. I want to wallow, complain, get people to extend me sympathy and tell me what a champion I am, and so on, and so on. Real focused on my belly button, if you know what I mean.

Seriously, Brian?! 4:45?!?! Doesn't that give me the right to be angry?

Well, once I got Elmo on for Brian, the coffee poured for me, and sat down with my Bible and notebook, I knew I had to give it up. I had to ask God to forgive me. I had to say thank you for so many things. And I emerge from some quiet time with a new perspective. I'm still tired, but not angry. There's still a lot to do, but I know I'm not alone.

I was thinking about how I long for some specific thing to fulfill me. It goes like this. "If I only had, like, 3 hours to myself - no kids, no interruptions - that would really make a difference." And yes, it likely would. for a time. But I know I'd be ready for another 3 hours pretty soon! Or "If I were only able to sleep until 6 every day." That would be nice; I might feel more rested. But, how soon would I be longing for 7?

Can you relate to this?

So this morning the Spirit brought to mind the Psalm that starts As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. (I didn't know the reference, so I did a little concordance surfing to find that it's Psalm 42.) Verse 8 says this:

By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me -

a prayer to the God of my life.

Here's what that means to me today. God has me right where He wants me to be, and He's present in every single moment of it, day and night. He is my closest companion as I support my husband, teach, train, & play with my children, plan for and begin packing, keep up on daily housework, etc, etc. This is what my life looks like right now. It is full, but with the Lord it is beautiful, not burdensome. I will be tired, but need not be weary. He is the God of my LIFE. The whole thing.

How are you today? Did you wake up in a tizzy like me? Do you feel your need for the Lord? Will you rest in His arms and be comforted by His constant and abiding presence? There's no better place to begin your day. I guarantee it!

Peace.

Jesus Knew!

God demonstrates his love for us in this,

while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

It was just Easter. I didn't do anything specific to observe Lent. The time slipped by quickly, like any other 40 days. But God has His way of not letting His people sit idly by. A few things have been going on:

1. Our pastors have been preaching through the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6.
2. I've been reading/studying the early chapters of the book of John.
3. My friend's sister died suddenly a couple of weeks ago.
4. The Spirit has been gently reminding me to choose forgiveness over grudge holding.
5. Resurrection eggs & reading the Holy Week and Easter stories with Elizabeth.

These things all came together to impress upon me the gravity of Good Friday and the glorious beauty of Easter.

I won't go into all of in here. But I would like to share what's jumped out at me from John. Throughout the first 6 chapters, Jesus begins his ministry and performs some miracles. They attract many and repel others. It's coming out that He's more than just a carpenter's son from Nazareth. There's certainly something different about Him. Everyone has an opinion. He's got a following.

What has stood out to me in this reading as more profound than the miracles, is what Jesus knew:

• 2:24 - "He would not entrust himself to them because he knew all men."
• chapter 4 - He knows the woman's life story, from the number of husbands she's had to her spiritual thirst
• chapter 5 - He knows what the Jews are thinking
• 6:15 - He knows that the people intend to come and make him king by force
• 6:64 - "For Jesus had known from the beginning (!) which of them did not believe and who would betray him."

That last one really got me. Jesus knew from the beginning (from the beginning if time) that he was going to be betrayed and by Judas. YET HE LET JUDAS EAT WITH HIM, WALK WITH HIM, REST WITH HIM, AND SIT UNDER HIS TEACHING, JUST LIKE THE OTHER ELEVEN, FOR ALL THREE YEARS OF HIS EARTHY MINISTRY. Who does that?!

Jesus was/is something much more than a really nice guy with great philosophical principles. He came into the word, as Matthew 1:21 says, to save his people from their sin. And to do so, he had to walk, talk, eat, sleep, and breathe with the very people who would betray him, turn their backs on him, sin against him. I don't know that I have the proper words to convey how this is hitting my soul. But I will continue.

JESUS KNOWS ME! And not just the stuff that I like Him to know, but the dirty stuff: the idols I worship, the times I blatantly choose to disobey Him, the jealousy, anger, bitterness, malice, hatred, selfish ambition, etc, etc, etc.

That's Jesus. Jesus knew and Jesus knows.

He knows me; He knows you.

He walked this earth with those who treated Him so poorly, but needed Him so badly. With a depth of love I don't know if I'll ever comprehend, He was determined to rescue us, that we may be drawn back to Him, in right relationship, for all eternity. THAT is what Easter is all about.

Jesus knew. He knew all the dirt on all the people throughout all of history, even those of us in the future, and he walked the via dolorosa to save His people from their sin. There was no other way than the way of the cross. It was that bad.

Then, gloriously, early on that Sunday morning, the tomb was opened, death was undone! And we can have hope that God is making all things new, through His Son, in the power of the Holy Spirit: God the three-in-one.

Perhaps today you wonder if God is angry with you. As my pastor has often quoted, "If you come to God, He will not be angry with you." Jesus drank the cup of His wrath, that through faith in Him we might have eternal life, eternal communion with God. Jesus knows exactly what's going on in our hearts and minds, and He's not afraid of our questions, fears, doubts, and anxieties. He will carry them; He will transform us. The Cross and the Resurrection give us the assurance. All He asks is that we trust Him.

There's no one else who loves us like Jesus, nor is there anyone who knows us like He does. Today will you repent and believe? You won't regret it; I sure don't.

Christ has died; Christ is risen; Christ will come again!

Testimony

The Background Story
This year, I have been leading a women's Bible study on Tuesday mornings. It a study I've been attending since the fall after Elizabeth was born, making this my sixth year. When I learned I was pregnant, I was so excited to get to Bible study, since I would no longer be working. I love this group! There are a few who have overlapped with me the entire time I've been there and many who have come and gone. This is a very transient area with the universities and hospitals bringing people in for brief windows of time. How good it is to see God bind us together by His Word, allow us to pray for one another, and give us friendships that will last forever, even if here and now we move to new cities and new adventures.

When I started going we were often freezing, because the heat never worked very well and the insulation and windows were terrible. And we took turns caring for the children, because the budget didn't allow for childcare. But we consistently studied the Word, prayed together, cared for one another, drank coffee, and ate snacks! My friend and our leader, Meda, kept us focused on God, His promises, His goodness, our need for His grace. Thanks, Meda, for steering us away from so many rabbit trails!!

Now, as I think about how the group has grown an changed - how our children have grown up a little, how many new babies have been born, how the church can afford to pay three women to care for the kids, how warm it is with new windows and good heat, how wonderful the big, new coffee machine is, how many women have come and gone or stayed, how Meda's moved on to a different leadership position, how I'm now leading - it fills me with joy and amazement at how God works.

Earlier This Year
Last summer I began studying the book of Joshua which you can read about here and here. I was also planning to begin homeschooling in the fall and anticipating moving out of Boston at the end of 2009. Throughout the summer there was some talk of me stepping into Meda's place and leading on Tuesday mornings. I really wanted to do it, but didn't want to commit to something, not knowing what homeschooling would be like and not wanting to leave part way through. Then, one morning I got a call from pastor Rick asking me if I'd lead the group. Hm....

I said I'd talk it over with Colin, my dear sounding board. I knew he was concerned I'd get in over my head if I took on more responsibility. But he also knew I was really excited by the opportunity to lead. So, he supported me taking it on. Since I'd been studying Joshua, I told Rick I'd be happy to lead if studying Joshua would be okay, given that I already had my head in it. He agreed and helped me find an appropriate study guide. We started up as usual, at the beginning of September.

What's Happening Today
We did not move away in 2009 and we'll be staying through the end of the school year! It has not been that difficult to balance teaching Elizabeth and leading on Tuesdays. And, we just concluded our challenging study of the book of Joshua a couple of weeks ago. What joy it brought to my heart to hear women share about how God has been weaving things we've been learning into the fabric of their faith. My prayers for the group are feeble and sporadic at best, praying mostly that God's word would take root in us. He is faithful and doing just that, far beyond my weak expectations. Thank you, Father!

During the last few weeks of the study, I realized that I needed to figure out what we were going to do next. There's not really enough time in the year to start up another full-blown book study. I was feeling at a loss, asking God for some inspiration, and talking with the group. Then one morning, (Jan 29 my journal tells me), the inspiration was given. We should tell our stories, give testimony to how God called us from darkness into light and how he's changing us as we walk with Him! It fits so well with Joshua, too - God making and keeping promises to give His people an inheritance. It opens up opportunity not only to get to know each other better, but also to worship and praise our gracious God!

So the journey continues. God's Word and faithfulness endure through all generations. To Him be the glory for ever and ever.

In His Presence, There Is Fullness of Joy

Today we fly out to Pittsburgh, hurray!

But quickly I've turned to worry to "comfort" me: Brian woke up at 3:30 & this will mess with his nap schedule; I currently have a seat assignment and Elizabeth does not; I have a painful lump on my forehead from hitting it yesterday on the playground. So, as I sat complaining to the Lord this morning, He reminded me to be thankful, that He is in control, and that in His presence there is fullness of joy. That line is a different translation of part of verse 11 below. Worry was not actually comforting me (surprise, surprise!), worry only works me into a tizzy. But the Word, God Himself, now HE comforts, convicts, forgives, sustains, encourages, protects, loves, and gives us all that we need in each moment.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus." That is what this tired mommy needed this morning and will endeavor, with the Spirit's help, to remember in those less-than-they-way-I-want-it-to-be moments throughout the day!

This psalm is so beautiful in the ears of a believer that I will let it speak for itself.

Psalm 16

A miktam of David.

¹ Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.

² I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

³ As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

⁴ The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

⁸ I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Idolatry

They exchanged the truth of God for a lie,

and worshiped and served created things

rather than the Creator—

who is forever praised.

Romans 1:25

Two days ago, while thinking about homeschooling during my evening dish washing, I was reflecting on recent moments of being fearful of Colin dying, because I'd have to work and it would mean the end of homeschooling. Not only would the kids and I have to grieve the loss of our favorite man, we'd also have to adjust to being in school for the first time. (Clearly the former would be the most painful, but this is what has gone through my mind recently.)

Then, the verse above came to mind. In those moments of fear, I move from being grateful to God for giving us this precious year, to worshiping the gift - teaching my kids at home. How subtle the idolatry is, worshiping homeschooling instead of the God who's allowing me to homeschool during this season. Close call in my heart of hearts. Spirit, thank you for snapping me out of it! (I'm sure I'll need to be rescued from myself again sometime soon, so please stay close!) Our pastor once defined idolatry as taking a good thing and making it the ultimate thing. This definition is so perfect.

Are there wonderful gifts God has given you that you are making "ultimate things"? Do you find idolatry sneaking in when you're not expecting it? How does the Spirit whisper to you in temptation, fear, and doubt? How have you been encouraged by the presence of God lately, (perhaps even in your sin)?

We are fickle; God is faithful. We waffle; God is constant. We sin & repent; God forgives. His love endures forever.

Later in Romans, Paul says this:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:21-25

Thank you, Lord, for sending our Rescuer!*

*If you're unfamiliar with God's rescue plan, please ask. I'd love to share it with you.

The Half-Way Point, Part 2

If you read the previous post, you know a little about the structure of our first half year of homeschooling. The short summary of how I feel about it: I LOVE HOMESCHOOLING!* Never does a day go by that I am not happy that Elizabeth is home this year. Truly the Lord brought us to this place. If you've been following my story for a while, you know that I never imagined that homeschooling would be part of my life. (I taught public school for two years, for goodness sake!) And here we are and here my desires are being fulfilled in ways I never expected!

So, that is the short story - that I'm glad we're homeschoooling. We will continue for the near future, and I can (sometimes!) imagine sticking it out for the long haul. The long story is that, while I'm excited about it, there are still doubts, fears, and complications that come up for me and every homeschooling parent. I think the most important thing that needs to happen before beginning is to know why you're homeschooling. The reasons will look different for different families, but the underlying commitment must be there. Without solid ground to build on, you'll quickly crumble when the going gets tough, you are filled with doubts, or you begin to compare your life to those around you who have made the choice to send their kids to school. Choosing to homeschool means you are saying 'no' to some things, but the same can be said about sending your children to school. For every 'yes' we give in this life, we're also implying 1,000 'nos" and vice-versa, right?

My advice: Think through your child's education, research the options, discuss with your spouse, pray together, and make a decision for the year. (Yes, for the year, you don't have to homeschool K-12 just because you start in Kindergarten. Nor do your kids have to be in school all 13 years, they could spend some time in the middle at home. And further, your decision could be different for each child. You know them best!)

There have been many unforeseen and delightful benefits of homeschooling:

• The kids still get to be together and deepen their relationship, even though they're four years apart.
• Elizabeth is learning what it takes to make a house run, e.g. the laundry doesn't 'magically' get done while she's at school.
• I know what she's learning and can draw connections wherever we are (store, library, car, etc.)
• Elizabeth can work at her pace, whatever that pace is. And together we can finish a project in one day or eight, whatever is needed.
• Colin and I talk a lot about our kids' educations and dream about what and how we'd love to teach them, trips we'd like to take together, the flexibility that homeschooling offers. These conversations energize both of us and strengthen our marriage.

There are "I don't knows" that sometimes trip me up:

• I don't really know how E is doing in comparison to other kids her age, which is (truthfully) good for me, because I tend too much toward comparison and competition. But it also ushers in some doubts; how do I know she's "on track." That leads me to a more philosophical question: What is the point of education? Do we simply want to make sure that all kids of a certain age can do exactly the same thing? Or do we want to instill a love of learning and equip kids to explore and discover for their own sakes? When I remember that one of our primary family goals is to maintain Elizabeth's interest in learning and to instill in her the confidence that she can learn ... then those doubts are quieted, and I'm refocused till the next doubt cycle.
• I don't know what my life would be like if E were in school. I do imagine that my house would be much cleaner (I could get to those things during Brian's nap times) and I'd be in better shape. But given our motivations to homeschool in conjunction with the unexpected benefits we've experienced, those things are not as important ... once I get my mind refocused on our goals.
• I don't always know how I'm supposed to feel or act when I'm with friends who are talking about what's going on at school. Sometimes I'm jealous that I can't participate or don't have faces for the names they're mentioning. Other times I'm excited for them about what their kids are doing or learning. It reminds me of the Scripture that says to rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Just looked it up, Romans 12:15) Throughout all of life we'll find ourselves in places where other people are doing things we can't or aren't doing, other people's kids will advance in arenas our children are not gifted, friends and family will endure trials at different times, and all of these things give us opportunity to practice loving our neighbor by delighting or sorrowing along with them. I am not always very good at this (I tend toward judgmentalism, jealousy, and discontentment too easily), but God is working on me and I'm thankful for it!

The best advice I got or read before beginning, that I'd like to pass along to you:

1. Have concrete reasons why you're homeschooling. Then you're ready to give a simple, non-judgmental answer when people (or you children!) ask about your choice. And, then you've got your base-line convictions to fall back on during a bad day or bad week.
2. Don't go crazy over-buying materials and over-planning, you're likely to end up having spent too much and stressing out yourself and your family. It's always easy to add more later.
3. If you try something and after a while it's not really working, let it go and try something different. Keep an eye on how your child is responding to your methods, the curriculum, the topics, etc. Is reading frustrating every, single, day? You may be pushing too hard. Is your child bored by worksheets? Bust out some beans and pennies to practice math.
4. Get to know your children's librarian and take advantage of their knowledge!

I'm annoyed with the lack of structure in this post, but I also want to publish it so I can move on to other posts. So, here it is, in all of it's disorganized glory! Have a wonderful Tuesday.

*I have known homeschoolers who can leave a person feeling like a terrible parent or terrible Christian if you're not homeschooling your kids. Please know that I NEVER want to leave you feeling that way. I share my experiences because I do love what I see happening in our family this year. But I am sure that God led us on this path and that He will also guide the steps of your family; for some that will lead to homeschool, for others private school, for others public school.

The Half-Way Point

We're roughly half way through the school year! It's been a while since I've written about homeschooling; the last post was my list of book reviews in November. It's January. I had hopes of doing a serious review of the first several months over Christmas, but never got to it. (When a husband is in the last few months of thesis writing, he's not exactly available to take the kids for afternoons at a time so his wife can reflect and plan. But those days are not too far away now!)

the student

You may wonder about our method of homeschooling. It's not exactly unschooling, because we do specific things each day that constitute school work, usually in the morning. But we are also not following a specific curriculum. I guess that makes us relaxed or eclectic. I plant to read more about Whole Hearted education. For now, my primary guides are the books Home Learning Year by Year by Rebecca Rupp and The Three Rs by Ruth Beechick. Putting their suggestions and guidelines together with resources you can get from simple workbooks and library books, it is relatively easy to walk through a Kindergarten year. Seriously, I spend probably two hours a week in prep. I LOVE the library and am so thankful for the many authors who have created such educational picture books! Using the interlibrary loan program and Amazon, you can come up with lists of great books on specific topics, request them, add an activity or two, and you've got a simple unit.

the beginning reader

A typical week of our lessons looks like this. I'm not sure if you'll be able to access it; it's s Google document. Let me know if you can't. If you can, you'll notice that it isn't much. "School" typically takes about an hour, maybe a little more if we're working on some project. Frequently we will listen to the month's hymn in the car while traveling from place to place or sing together right before bedtime. We read the chapter book most often before afternoon rest time, when Brian's already down and E and I can snuggle on the big bed. For reading, we're currently taking our time working through Dr. Seuss early reader books, 3-5 pages a day depending upon the amount of text. For writing, we've been focusing mostly on copying sentences I have written, helping E to practice uniform letter size, learn spacing, and some punctuation. We began math concepts using the Math Counts series by Henry Pluckrose (requested from the library), focusing on one topic per week. And this workbook has been helpful in continuing math work; I will purchase more from Spectrum in the future.

the artists

Some of the topics we've explored (in varying levels of detail) so far this year include: trees, the United States, Washington D.C., water, birds, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, the continents, the Earth's composition & rocks, Martin Luther King Jr., and now we're taking about winter weather. I've used library books, websites, field trips, games, crafts, and other activities to create mini units around each theme. Without all of the print and electronic resources available, I'm not sure how I'd teach!

the loves of my life

(well, 2/3 of them)

Okay, so basically this post has become my year-so-far review. Thanks for giving me the platform. I'm assuming, of course, that you want to know what I do. If you don't, I hope you have not felt obligated to read this far! You may have noticed that I've offered little personal reflection and have discussed my feelings about the homeschooling experience. For now, I will publish this and leave those thoughts for my next post!

Worship

DISCLAIMER:

This post is a little wandering; brace yourself for a journey through

the many thoughts that have been swirling around in my head!

With the approaching Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, I requested some picture books from the library about Dr. King to read with Elizabeth and looked up activity ideas online. One suggestion was to make a paper chain using skin colored papers or the standard "red and yellow, black and white." Using an idea from Christmas, a wreath made from green paper hand prints, we made a wreath of different colored hands and I hung these verses from Revelation 7:9-10 in the middle:

After this I looked and there before me was

a great multitude that no one could count,

from every nation, tribe, people, and

language, standing before the throne

and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing

white robes and were holding palm brances

in their hands. And they cried out

in a loud voice:

"Salvation belongs to our God,

who sits on the throne,

and to the Lamb."

Another suggestion was to visit an alternate house of worship: if you're Methodist, attend a Baptist church or if you don't go to worship on Sundays, try a church. I thought this was a fascinating idea, there's a large African Methodist Episcopal church around the corner from ours I'd be interested in attending sometime. Unfortunately, this week I was helping out in a kid's class, so we couldn't miss being with our congregation. But I've got the idea in the back of my head for the future.

Yesterday as I was preparing to go to church, I was thinking about the idea of worshiping with other believers of different nations, tribes, peoples, and languages, reflecting on Revelation 7:9-10 and thinking about what Dr. King fought for during his short days walking the earth. And I was thinking about how we're often drawn to local congregations that have an order of worship and style of music that's comfortable for us, often influenced by what we grew up with. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, as long as you're not accusing the brother's and sisters up the street of being "wrong" if they do or don't use an organ, a band, or only sing a capella.* The reality is that none of it approaches the perfection that will be achieved in the worship of our Great God when we're all standing before His throne with all of the believers, from all of time, from all over the world!

This set me to wondering what it will be like, when we're before the throne of God. What will the tune be? Will we all be worshiping in the style that comes naturally to us and they'll create the most beautiful harmony, bringing great glory to God? Or will we all be worshiping in Spirit and in Truth in a blissful way we never even knew possible this side of heaven - more beautiful, more glorious, exactly as God would be and should be worshiped by His redeemed people?!

We don't know.

But we do know we will worship!

We will no longer be distracted by the things of this world, by the sin that so easily entangles, by the fears and doubts that prevent us from loving the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind, and loving our neighbor as ourself.

Hallelujah!

For the time being, we will continue to look to the Scriptures and the guidance of the Spirit to instruct our hearts and minds and guide our worship. We will repent of our sin and believe the Good News - Jesus died once for all, that we may be brought near to God. And, thinking about Dr. King and loving our neighbor, we can get to know believers of other nations, tribes, peoples, languages, ... and even denominations, and learn more about the depth, breadth, width, and height of God's love. We'll be spending eternity together, right? Might as well start getting to know each other now!

Even apart from Martin Luther King Day, the Spirit's been impressing upon me lately that Christians are bound together by Christ, no matter where they're from, what church they attend, what work they do, how smart they are, or what kind of car they drive. We are connected on a deep level and we need each other. It's worth saying a few embarrassing things and having our minds stretched a little, to get to know more of the heart of God and be bound together with fellow believers, with cords that cannot be broken. Without Christ, there's no other hope for this kind of connection. He is the great Reconciler, the great Healer, the Prince of Peace.

Dr. King and those who bravely would not accept the evil status quo amaze me! So much progress was made in such a short time. Today I'm thankful for God's work in and through Dr. King. But as we look at the state of inequality & injustice that is still prevalent in our nation, one can feel angry or hopeless or both. Thankfully, our God promises to make all things new (Isaiah 65:17 & Revelation 21.) Resting on this hope, we can move forward to bring a little more peace, a little more justice, a little more equality, as we, His people, focus on loving God and our neighbor, and we keep praying, "Come, Lord Jesus."

*I'm thinking here more about how we're divided my matters of preference, and not usually defending standards of worship clearly established in the Bible.