Day 22: Child Bearing

I would invite you to pray that this post would be received just as I intend.  I've wanted to write about having children for a long time.  Not raising them, we'll get to that next, but the process of getting the children (or not) in the first place.  This is an area of heart ache for many women and couples; it can also be an arena of strife and discord for many couples.  I do not tread here lightly.  But I want to share a little about my experience and how God used my circumstances to change me and make me a greater instrument for His service through these childbearing years.  My growing conviction is that God has quite a lot to teach us about His sovereignty and trusting Him as we navigate this phase of life.

Our Story


For us, infertility was not the issue;  Elizabeth was a "surprise" and caused quite a stir for us emotionally.   We had these plans, you know, to wait until the end of graduate school.  Ah, plans.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.  Proverbs 19:21

Elizabeth rocked the boat of our plans but, nevertheless, I was ready for another baby when E was about 9 months old, Colin was not.  Now, some of this desire sprung from pure motives for E to have a sibling, enlarge our family, and such.  But some of the desire was fueled by what others around us were doing and by a teaching I had heard while in college that if you didn't trust God and have as many kids as He wanted to give you, then, well, you were doing things "wrong."  I didn't want people to think we weren't doing what God wanted us to do!  (Hm ... maybe I shoulda been thinking about what God would have us do. But I just wasn't there yet.)


I was so very focused on having another child that it was detrimental to our relationship on many levels.  But during this time God was also chipping away at my hard, selfish heart.  (And thankfully kept Colin from kicking me to the curb!)  As I look back, the theme verse I give those three years of waiting is Romans 12:15:

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Because while I was longing and waiting (and whining about it to Colin and others ... a lot) "everyone else" with kids Elizabeth's age had or was expecting their second.  I had to learn that even when I was not getting what I wanted, I could (and should!) genuinely rejoice with those were were getting what I wanted.  During those years, I also walked through miscarriages with friends, learned of the prevalence of infertility, and supported friends caring for sick infants or grieving for babies they'd not see again till heaven.  Through that,  I was learning how to compassionately grieve with people enduring such pain.


The final thing I learned in this wrestling with sin and hope deferred, was how important it is for me to respect and submit to my husband.  He had very legitimate reasons for not following my plans for our life.  It took me way too long to get to a point of understanding and accepting the situation - talking about this makes me want to hang my head in shame and crawl into a hole.


But, oh, the gospel!  Jesus' blood covers over this multitude of sins against God and my husband.  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound!

Hindsight is 20/20

As God slowly drew my eyes away from myself and my idol worship, He enabled me to see the blessing of not having had a little one between Elizabeth and Brian.  There were so many ways I was free to care for neighbors and church members, because I was not caring for an infant.  We lived in university housing with many internationals and I was able to love and care for them more intentionally, welcoming them into our country and home, hoping to make their experience here just a little less lonely.

One great fear of mine that drove my "need" to have kids closer together, that God has more than addressed, was that our kids wouldn't have much of a relationship with one another if there were so many years in between.  (They're 4 years apart.)  At that point, I never imagined I'd be homeschooling.  How God guides our paths!  He's met a desire of my heart - that our kids have a relationship with each other - (despite all of my moping, weeping, and whining) by leading me in yet another unexpected direction.  Reminds me of a Proverb I read a couple of days ago:

A person may think their own ways are right, 

but the LORD weighs the heart.  Proverbs 21:2

For me, the overarching take-away from these child-bearing years is that God is sovereign and I can (and should!) entrust my desires, my present, and my future to Him.  Darn it if He doesn't have way better plans for us that we could ever devise!

*     *     *

So, there you have it.  God had plans for my life that involved dying to myself and learning to love my husband and others better.  How hard I tried to get my way, my way; how thankful I am that God would not let me or our family escape His plan!


If you find yourself in the midst of these years, whether with a bunch of small ones, difficult pregnancies, a sick child, or still longing for God to fulfill your desire for a child or more children, my prayer is that as you seek the Lord you will find Him ... and that you will find Him FAITHFUL.  Ask Him to help you entrust Him with the desires of your tender heart and to help you trust in His goodness, especially when life is not going according to plan.  For surely, His plans for you are greater, wiser, and more wonderful that you might now imagine in the midst of the busyness, sickness, longing, or waiting.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

His peace be yours today. 

This is Part 22 of a month-long series you can learn more about by starting with Day 1 here.  There are many others doing super cool series this month as well, perhaps you'd like to see the list?

It's a Girl!

Here she is.  While she obliged and let the tech confidently determine her gender, she would not turn her head for a profile shot.  So, here's our little Halloween decoration:

Isn't she a beauty?!

Well, we can't really tell yet, but we are praising God that it appears she's been given all the expected parts and they are in working order.  Already she's a busy little baby inside.

Now, to spend the next five months wondering what she looks like, what her temperament will be, how the labor will go (for some really bizarre reason, I'm really looking forward to labor this time around), and what it will be like to augment our family by one.

April School Field Trip

Last school-day of each month we have special breakfast and go on a field trip to one of the many Pittsburgh attractions.  Today it was scones on china and the zoo.

A Week at Home

I anticipated taking it easy this week, after a weekend away involving lots of activity, late bedtimes, and new scenery.  Thus, I was prepared to move slowly and ease back in.  To accommodate the plan, both kids got sick.  I had the privilege of serving both of them by cleaning vomit, pee, and poop out of the carpet, (fortunately only one time for each bodily emission!)

Elizabeth was only sick for a day.  Do you kids have sickness patterns?  Mine do.  Elizabeth is usually laid out for a full day and back to normal the next.  Brian's my fever boy; that's how his body fights illnesses.  He's on fever day three, but appears to be on the mend.

I did not teach her to do this, but she is related to me;
sorting m&ms by color could be hereditary.

This boy LOVES mazes!  I got this wipe-off book at Target and he does them repeatedly.

Elizabeth taught him to do each maze with his finger before doing it with a marker.

We did get to some school work, played in the back yard, tilled up some soil, and had a picnic on the porch.  I sneaked out for separate trips (alone!) to the grocery store, Target, and the hairdressers.  Much TV has been watched, as well!  Honestly, I enjoyed having an empty, quiet week.  I got a little "spring cleaning fever" myself and have been trying to get some things organized around here.  I came back from the retreat with renewed vigor to make our home beautiful, and though I have no natural ability at this, I'm going to give Edith Schaeffer's The Hidden Art of Homemaking a read and go from there!

How was your week?

What I've Been Taking Pictures Of

a favorite meal

(click for link; you can simplify by omitting the extra spices in the sauce)

my children

Flowers

(inside at a flower show)

  

What have you been photographing lately?

Picture Book Authors We Love

I'm always looking for good books for the kids, good stories with creative and/or beautiful illustrations.  (I'll be sad when our shelves and library bag are no longer stuffed with picture books!)

Here's a small selection of authors we've grown to love over the last several years:

Paul Collicutt has a series about vehicles called This (insert name of vehicle). (This Train, This Car, This Rocket, etc.)  The illustrations are beautiful and the text is brief but full of information for little toddler/preschool minds.

Kevin Henkes is a prolific writer with a range of books for kids of all ages on a variety of topics from relationships to nature.  I'm never disappointed by anything I pick up from that section of the library shelf!

Leo Lionni writes sweet little stories with creative illustrations.

Byron Barton's illustrations are bold and colorful and he gets right to the heart of my little boy with lots of trucks, trains, and planes - though he does have some other stories, like the Three Little Bears.

Gail Gibbons is AMAZING!  She has written so many books about such a variety of science (and other, but lots of science) topics, all at the perfect level for early elementary students.  For almost anything we're "studying" in school we're able to find a book by Ms. Gibbons to read.  Her illustrations and text keep us all interested!

Saxton Freymann's photography of fruits and vegetables captivates the kids and amazes me.  His creativity knows no bounds!  He has some board books in addition to regular books.

Who are some of your favorites?

What is a Spirit?

Recently the kids and I went out to run some errands.  Our first stop was the home of a friend of Elizabeth's whose grandmother had passed away a few days before, the second stop, the beer distributor.  In Pennsylvania you have beer distributors and state run liquor stores.  You can't get wine and beer at the same place.

While getting Brian buckled into the car after leaving Elizabeth's friend's house, Elizabeth says to me, "Mom, what's a spirit?"

At this moment I'm thinking, Wow, that's a really deep question, like how the Catechism talks about God being spirit and she must be wondering since her friend's grandma just died.  How the heck am I supposed to answer that?  Oh dear, I have to give some kind of response....

I say, "You mean like God is a spirit?"

"No, mom, like a spirit you drink.  Like there's wine and spirits," Elizabeth replies.

Phew!  Dodged that bullet.  I still don't really know how a "spirit" is defined in drink land, but at least I don't have to spew bad theology.

"Well honey, I think it's an alcoholic drink not made from grapes that has a lot more alcohol in it.  Like rum is made form sugar, for example."

End conversation.

Now I suppose I need to read a little about how "spirit" is defined, in both senses, but for the time being I'm just enjoying a little laugh whenever I think of this conversation.  Here's a little hello from my little ones:

Teaching Them to Trust in the Lord

My children have been bickering with one another a lot lately.

For example, Brian is holding a toy that belongs to Elizabeth.

Brian: "Dis is mine."

Elizabeth: "Um, no, actually, Brian, it's mine."

Brian: "No, it's mine."

Elizabeth: "Brian, no, it's mine.  Not yours.  So-and-so gave it to me."

And so on, ad infinitum (if I would let it go on that long!)

Of course, I'm always patient with them, helping them to see the error of their ways, guiding them in repentance, leading them in paths of righteousness....

HA!

The truth is, it's driving me NUTS!  I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what the sins are that they're committing in these exchanges so that I can address them and actually lead them in those paths of righteousness.  After a couple of days it finally occurred to me that I should be praying for them and my reactions.  Usually I just say, "Stop!  That's enough!"  Or I specifically address Elizabeth with, "Elizabeth, it's not helpful to keep up this conversation.  Drop it."

Today I read this in Proverbs:

Pay attention and turn your ear to the sayings of the wise;

   apply your heart to what I teach,

for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart

   and have all of them ready on your lips.

So that your trust may be in the LORD,

   I teach you today, even you.

Proverbs 22:17-19

Our goal in this parenting business needs to be teaching and instructing our kids so that they too may trust in the Lord.  Left to my own devices, I would simply try to control their outward behavior, get them to (gasp!) SHUT UP, "be nice" to each other, and give their mother some peace.  That would work, sort of, while I'm always with them, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't do them any good when they're out in the word on their own.

Right now, among other things, Brian needs to learn not to provoke his sister and Elizabeth needs to learn to swallow her pride and let things go.  Any of you adults out there still struggle against these sins?  I do.  BUT it makes a big difference in my life that I can trust the Lord to be my hope and stay, not my own proud attempts to establish my place in this world.  It makes a big difference in my life that I can trust the Lord and love my neighbor, even when he is not loving me back.

Moms & dads, if your kids are making you crazy, turn to the Lord.  Let's ask for His help to address situations as He would have us address them, (not as I would ... just to get some peace!)  This mom sure needs all the help she can get.  I'm thankful to have the God of all creation there with me, forgiving my sins, reminding me of those who taught me to trust Him, and prompting me to do the same for my wee ones.

Spring Weather, the Luck 'o the Irish!

Here's how we spent our day yesterday; it was only 60, but felt like summer.

We had shamrock shakes with lunch.  Yum!