I've Never Read a Parenting Book Like This One

Last night I finished reading Hints on Child Training by Henry Clay Trumbull.

Wow, what a book.

Trumbull penned this book in his sixties in the year 1890, having raised eight of his own children and in the midst of being a grandfather to many more.  (Cool fact: He's Elisabeth Elliot's great-grandfather.)  This book came highly recommended by the Clarkson family, founders of Whole Heart Ministries; Sally Clarkson has written many books on the call of motherhood that God has used to change my life and dynamics in our family.  So I picked it up at the MomHeart conference last spring.  But, I was skeptical.  Really?  Wouldn't a book from the late 19th century be just another treatise on spanking, speak-only-when-spoken-to, authoritative parenting?

The answer to my question, as I read through chapter after chapter was a resounding, "NO!" *

I would summarize Trumbull's book with one word: tenderness.  Paragraph after paragraph I was left desiring to love and value the little ones God has put in our care each and every day, from the moment they boisterously wake to the whispers we share at bedtime.

Chapters that made me pause and think ... and already make some changes:

• Honoring a Child's Individuality
• Training Children to Sabbath Observance
• The Value of Table Talk
• Never Punish a Child in Anger
• Dealing Tenderly with a Child's Fears
• Good-Night Words

The influence of Trumbull's words has little to do with specific methods.  Rather, he presents child training as a journey of respect and delight shared between parent and child.  He offers some suggestions for how to train children in specific areas, how to make the Sabbath or Christmas special, how to take advantage of the bedtime routine to bless your children, how to include children in dinner conversation, etc.  However, one does not finish reading thinking, Okay, I've now got to put Trumbull's plan into action to "get it right."  I was left thinking, Wow, our relationships in our family can be so much richer, our celebration of the Sabbath can be so much more special, our work to raise these kids is such a blessed calling and God will help us do it as we turn to Him and let ourselves really love our kids and take seriously their training.

My strong opinion: you can pitch all of your other parenting books, as long is this one is on your shelf (and it has been read!)  Pittsburgh peeps, my copy is now available for borrowing if you'd like to "try before you buy!"




* I should have known better than to think the Clarksons would recommend anything but the best.  My apologies, Clay and Sally!

Day 24: Child Rearing ... (and a giveaway!)

This is Part 24 of a month-long series you can learn more about by starting with Day 1 here.  There are many others doing super cool series this month as well, perhaps you'd like to see the list?


Pretty much everyone will tell you that having a child changes your life.

That is true.

The statement is usually it's in reference to the loss of freedom that comes with having a living, human being for whom you're completely responsible.  Yeah, it's a big deal.  And when they're tiny, they demand every ounce of your energy (something I'm trying not to think too much about with the February due date getting closer and closer!)  As they get older, their practical day-to-day neediness decreases, but their need to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged remains.  (Think even now about yourself; don't you still want to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged?)

But that life change need not be only approached from the negative angle, Look at all that I'm losing.  For Scripture attests to children being a blessing.  From our children we can gain new insight into the depth of our own need for the cross.  Believe it or not, this is a HUGE blessing - no matter how painful - and can take us from a look at the freedom lost to a look the freedom gained; praise the Lord perspective.

*     *     *

When Elizabeth was small, I thought I was a pretty good parent, mostly because I had rules and Elizabeth needed to (and often did) obey them.  Comparing myself with other more lax parents was my measuring stick. At least I was doing it "right."

Hm.

As a result of my authoritarian parenting, I was so hard on Elizabeth.  My expectations were high, as she was generally a compliant child.  And my fear of what others thought of me as a parent was also high - leading to unnecessary harshness on many occasions to "get" her to obey or not embarrass me.  I can remember one occasion being really mad at her coming up the stairs to our apartment, or maybe it was crossing the street to get to the building, I don't remember the circumstances exactly.  But I remember how I felt,

angry, irate, furious.

She was walking way too slow and I was carrying a bunch of heavy things.  Could she not just hurry up so my arms wouldn't break?  For.   goodness.   sake?!

Um, no, she couldn't.  She was one and a half, with short chubby little legs that had only been walking for a handful of months.

Dear Lord, have mercy.  I hate that memory, and others like it.  I could have made two trips with all of the stuff in my arms and gently gotten E to where she needed to be, without the rage.  But I was so very self-absorbed.

*     *     *

Parenting a child will open up so many new doors for a parent to see new depths of his/her depravity, if one's eyes and heart are open to seeing.  Early on in the series I spoke of death having everything to do with moving into the new life to which Jesus calls us.  Admitting that I, as a parent, have a heart problem and it's not just my kids that "make me" do things, means that a little bit more of me has to die.  But as the old sinful habits, reactions, and behaviors begin to change, we're ushered into a new era of parenting - no longer a constant battle of wills, but rather a training ground for both you and your child(ren) to trust the Lord for help with our actions and reactions.  God brings freedom from the tyranny of getting it all right, with our kids' obedience indicating "how we're doing" as parents, and gives us freedom to entrust their little souls to Him, as much as we've entrusted Him with our own.

It is important for our children to be trained and disciplined, yes, but they also need to be respected as individuals with thoughts, feelings, needs, and unique personalities.*  That's where the transformation has had to happen in me.  Embracing the call of motherhood, not only to give my children rules to obey, but to disciple them, guide them, show them compassion when I know how hard it is to consider others before myself, to study their unique personalities and know when they need discipline versus when they need to be put to bed, etc., has made all the difference in our home and in my heart.  (Special thanks to God for Sally Clarkson and MomHeart ministry.)

As a parent you've been called to raise up your little (or big) ones.  When God calls, He provides all we need to pursue the calling.  But he never promises it will be easy.  Think about the call on our Savior's life, that cost Him his life! Most of us will not taste physical death as a result of rearing our children, but we may need to put big prideful chunks of ourselves to death to move forward in faith in this calling, becoming more of the parent God wants us to be.

I do hope and pray that my sin does not have deep, lasting effects on my children.  Anyone else think this at times?!  But knowing that the Jesus I point them to when they find themselves in sin is the same Jesus that I need each day puts a beautiful spin on being their parent.  When they find it hard to share, not hit, respect their father, or obey, I can point them to Jesus.  When I find myself getting all up in a tizzy or having an irritable day, I can say to them, "Wow, mommy's not doing well today.  Please forgive me for taking it out on you.  Please pray that I'll have self-control or patience, or whatever I need."  (I had to do this just today, in fact - and, praise God, it really turned our day around!)

Parents, God bless you as your love, nurture, disciple, discipline, and train your children.  It really is an endless job, but you are not alone and God has good things in store for you and your kids.  Trust Him in and with it all!

*     *     *

Next Monday our 31-Day journey comes to an end.  One more week.  Phew, this has been a delightful and intense adventure in writing!

To celebrate, I'm going to give away a couple of books next Monday, October 31!  Jerry Bridges is an author who has profoundly influenced my faith, so I'd like to pass along two of his gems.

Respectable Sins:
Confronting the Sins We Tolerate

The Discipline of Grace:
God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness

To enter the contest, please leave a comment here, letting me know whether you'd like your name entered for just one or both of the books.  If you have been with me throughout the whole month, I'll give you a bonus entry - be honest!  And if you post about the giveaway on your own blog or Facebook, I will enter your name yet again.  Wow, so many ways to increase your chances of winning; things are getting crazy around here!

Entries will be received until 7:00 am on Monday, October 31.  I'll announce the winners in the final post of the month!

*I wrote a 3-part series last year on What Should We Expect From Our Children.  Click to read:  Part I, Part II, Part III.  The final post has a list of some of my favorite parenting/motherhood reads, if you'd like to go more in depth on this topic.

Embrace the Calling

Our pastor spent a couple of weeks preaching on Ephesians 6:1-4, addressing parents and children and what God calls them to as members of His family.  My favorite thing that he said is that all of the directives for living given in the second half of Ephesians should be rooted in the gospel laid out in chapters one through three.  So, in Matt's words, "Parenting is a gospel activity.  All of life is a gospel activity."

My life has changed over the last two years since I encountered Sally Clarkson's moms ministry.  Her challenge to look at Jesus as He discipled his men and consider how we can disciple our children in the same way, has made an immense difference in my attitude and approach to being a mom.  Sally offered no formula or plan for "getting it right," rather she pointed me to God, to consider His ways, to ponder His commands to me as a mother, to think about not only teaching them obedience, but also serving them as Christ served His disciples, responding to the beautiful call He's placed on my life as I am raising our children.

Kristen, a friend up in Canada, wrote a post once called Parenting for Happiness?  She hits the nail on the head with the truth that being a parent will NOT always make you happy.  We share many delights in our family as a result of having children around, but if the point of having children is happiness, we will be sorely disappointed and maybe even hold it against our kids.

As I thought about that this morning in the shower (a great place for thinking, no?), I realized that what has happened in me, and can happen in you as a mom, is a heart change.  If I seek to find my fulfillment in my children or even my "parenting skills," I will be quite miserable - children frustrate us, disobey, make demands on our time, etc.  On the other hand, if I seed to find my fulfillment in the Lord and whatever He's calling me to at the minute, I will be filled with joy.  The task may not be glamorous, the children may not obey, the to-do list may be too long, the body may be tired and weary, but the heart can still be filled with joy and peace only God can provide. THAT makes a big difference in our lives and the life of our families.

Are you not grateful that God is long-suffering and merciful?  I look back to how harsh I was with Elizabeth as a tiny girl.  I praise God that it did not crush her spirit.  I praise God that He's rooting out the nasty little by little as the Spirit prompts me to repent, believe, and obey.  It's day-to-day, moment-by-moment death to self, friends.  Perhaps we should spend our days humming I Need Thee Every Hour.  God has rescued us, let's share the good news with our kids in the ways that we love and serve them today, through discipline, instruction, and living life together.  Embrace the calling and may God fill you up!

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Hebrews 13:20-21

Homeschooling: I Will Not Be a Jerk About It

I read article today called The Tyranny of Socialization, and while I agreed with content, I bristled at the tone.  It's a tone I often find comes out when homeschooling is discussed by homeschoolers.  It's a condescending, holier-than-thou, "us vs. them" tone that lumps all homeschoolers into the "good" camp and schools (usually of the public variety) into the "evil" camp.  I find this quite troubling on several fronts:

1. Such attitudes don't represent me accurately as a homeschooler.
2. The "us" and the "them" are ill-defined categories.
3. Barriers are promptly erected that may prevent someone from ever considering homeschooling.

It makes me sad.  What saddens me is the reality that it's easier to be mean, condescending and make assumptions than it is to be compassionate, considerate, and ask questions.  (I know this because I know my own heart and what the Bible says is in our hearts!)  Naturally this happens from both sides, there are some "holier-than-thou" non-homeschoolers who look proudly down their noses at weirdos like me, making all kinds of assumptions about who I am, why I chose homeschooling, how my children will likely turn out.

But the fact of the matter is education will not save our children, only God can.  How does the Proverb go?  In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.  (16:9)

We need to make wise choices on behalf of our children.  We need to consider where they will receive the "best" education.  We need to pray and ask God for guidance.  We need to stay connected to our kids' lives.  Certain educational options may give our kids opportunities they won't get with other options, but the outcome of their lives is not entirely dependent upon where the attend school.  Our God is MUCH bigger than that!

I'm quite convinced that schools are not the problem with our children, home is.  Prosfessionals cannot do what parents need to and are called to do: nurture, guide, discipline, and protect their children.  Teachers (God bless them) train to instruct students in specific areas of study, not how to rear 25 children at a time for only one to six hours a day!  But unfortunately, somewhere along the line, parents have been told only the pros can educate their children. So from day one, we're convinced that we couldn't possibly provide what our kids need - we send them off to preschool for short periods of time as early as 2 years and 9 months!  On the flip-side, you could homeschool your children, yet do very little to nurture, guide, discipline and protect them, despite providing them a stellar classical education.

I will not let this blog become a homeschooling blog, the sum of me is much more than the way we've chosen for our children to receive their education.  (And for the record, I'm not convinced that I am the "best" education for them - but I am convinced it is the right thing at this point in their lives.)  Nevertheless, this blog is a place where I write about things that are on my mind for the edification of my readers.  I need to be human here.  I want you to know that I struggle with where I am right now, how to navigate the opinions and judgments that swirl around me and within me.

Homeschooling is a beautiful option for any family; I encourage you to consider it.  (It IS reasonable to feel that there's something not quite right with sending our kids out of the house for 6 hours a day at 5 years old!*)    But if you don't, I promise I will not be a jerk homeschooler about it.  I cannot follow Jesus and refuse love my brother.

If you are a parent, wherever you kids do or will go to school, my primary advice (that I've received from others) is to invest in your kids.  Study them: learn what makes them tick, how they communicate, how they feel loved, what breaks their hearts.  Nurture their tender souls, introduce them to the God of the Bible, guide them through difficulties and failures, let them be themselves.  Discipline them so they learn not only what is wrong but also what is right; discipline is not just punishment and consequences, it's teaching and guiding along the right path.  Protect them from things they don't need to see/hear/experience until it's appropriate, if ever.  Your children want and need YOU, even if they act like they don't.  Love them, right where they are, as they are.

With that kind of secure foundation, your little ones will always be able to find their footing, wherever their doing their math, reading, science, social studies, etc.  :)

I am thinking of writing a brief post about the most common responses I get from people when they learn I homeschool our kids: "I wouldn't have the patience." and "Oh, well, you were a teacher...."  I'd like to share my thoughts on these, because I feel the need addressing.  Stay tuned.

And, by the way, if I ever start being a jerk homeschooler to you.  Please, call me out on it.  Call me out on it good!

*We actually began homeschooling because our district only offered full-day K; it seemed silly to me to only have Elizabeth for the hours she was tired and cranky.  There were no wonderful, holy reasons here - only practical.  I find God often guides my way like that; I guess He knows how to speak to my heart, given that He made me!

Sally's Series on Parenting

Sally Clarkson has started a blog series on parenting.  She's only two articles in, so you can jump in and catch up quickly.  She's writing in response to many questions that she got about this post called "First Time Obedience, Really?"

There are a lot of formulas out there for how to best raise your kids, even good-hearted Christian formulas.  Sally is refreshing because she doesn't offer any formulas beyond looking to our Savior and discipling (read that right discipling) our kids, not just punishing the bad behavior out of them without training their hearts.  She talks in this post about how discipleship relationships take a lot of time;  this was her first response to the comments on the First Time Obedience post.

Now she's officially begun a series!  The first two posts:

• Parenting: It All Starts with Your View of God
• Adversary or Advocate? Reaching the Heart of Your Child (and a giveaway!)

Our home has been changed as God is working on my heart, giving me patience and thoughtfulness in the rearing of my children, rather than trying to keep surface peace without reaching the hearts of my kids.  I love them more, love being with them more, trust my Father with them (and me!) more.  Sally's words of grace, encouragement, and warning have played a huge roll in this process.

May Sally's words be a blessing to you as you train and instruct your children.  Keep up the good work as you shape the next generation in this great and marvelous call God's given you!

Teaching Them to Trust in the Lord

My children have been bickering with one another a lot lately.

For example, Brian is holding a toy that belongs to Elizabeth.

Brian: "Dis is mine."

Elizabeth: "Um, no, actually, Brian, it's mine."

Brian: "No, it's mine."

Elizabeth: "Brian, no, it's mine.  Not yours.  So-and-so gave it to me."

And so on, ad infinitum (if I would let it go on that long!)

Of course, I'm always patient with them, helping them to see the error of their ways, guiding them in repentance, leading them in paths of righteousness....

HA!

The truth is, it's driving me NUTS!  I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what the sins are that they're committing in these exchanges so that I can address them and actually lead them in those paths of righteousness.  After a couple of days it finally occurred to me that I should be praying for them and my reactions.  Usually I just say, "Stop!  That's enough!"  Or I specifically address Elizabeth with, "Elizabeth, it's not helpful to keep up this conversation.  Drop it."

Today I read this in Proverbs:

Pay attention and turn your ear to the sayings of the wise;

   apply your heart to what I teach,

for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart

   and have all of them ready on your lips.

So that your trust may be in the LORD,

   I teach you today, even you.

Proverbs 22:17-19

Our goal in this parenting business needs to be teaching and instructing our kids so that they too may trust in the Lord.  Left to my own devices, I would simply try to control their outward behavior, get them to (gasp!) SHUT UP, "be nice" to each other, and give their mother some peace.  That would work, sort of, while I'm always with them, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't do them any good when they're out in the word on their own.

Right now, among other things, Brian needs to learn not to provoke his sister and Elizabeth needs to learn to swallow her pride and let things go.  Any of you adults out there still struggle against these sins?  I do.  BUT it makes a big difference in my life that I can trust the Lord to be my hope and stay, not my own proud attempts to establish my place in this world.  It makes a big difference in my life that I can trust the Lord and love my neighbor, even when he is not loving me back.

Moms & dads, if your kids are making you crazy, turn to the Lord.  Let's ask for His help to address situations as He would have us address them, (not as I would ... just to get some peace!)  This mom sure needs all the help she can get.  I'm thankful to have the God of all creation there with me, forgiving my sins, reminding me of those who taught me to trust Him, and prompting me to do the same for my wee ones.

Two Stories on Discipline & Consequences: Part 2 - Brian

Story #2


We were heading out for a somewhat spontaneous trip to Phipps Conservatory.  I needed to pop some laundry into the dryer before we left.  As I was doing so we talked about each having a piece of gum once we got into the car.  The gum was in my purse at the bottom of the stairs. Brian knows what pocket I keep it in.

I was around the corner in the laundry room taking care of my task.  At one point I heard Brian going into my purse.  Popping my head out the door of the laundry room, I made sure he was looking at me and firmly told him that if he got the gum out, he would not get a piece.

I finished up with the laundry, and found Brian with the gum in his hand.

Brian was not going to have a piece of gum, and I told him as much.  For a moment, I considered that Elizabeth and I shouldn't either.  He was going to cry; it would make our lives more bearable if we skipped the treat too.

True.

But then what was the point of setting the limit in the first place?

After everyone got settled into the car, I gave E her piece of gum and had mine.  Brian was MAD!  As expected he started crying, begging for the gum, kicking he legs, writhing around.  (I was glad he was strapped in and couldn't try to get himself a piece; he'd probably beat me in a wrestling match!)

I spoke calmly, but firmly, reminding him that he made the choice not to wait until we got in the car and lost the treat.

Then I said something like, "I'm not pulling out of this driveway until you calm down."

Right after I said it was thought, Oh geez, what did I just do.  We probably won't be able to go out; we'll have to go inside and give up on our outing or sit her forever.


A minute later he sighed and we left.

Phew!


I really did want to give Brian a piece of gum.  He LOVES gum, almost obsessively.  And much later in the day, when he asked for a piece ever so sweetly, I did give him some.  I was glad to know that he wasn't holding a grudge either!

I share these two stories - Part I is here - to give you some examples of stickin' to your guns, even when it's inconvenient or painful.  It's so good for these little ones to learn that the world does not revolve around them, that their actions have consequences (good or bad, you can praise them for obedience too!), and also that they're loved even after they've disobeyed (if we give clear rules and lay out the consequences for disobedience, we don't need to hold a grudge, we apologize, hug, and all just move on after the fact.)

My hope, too, is that you will be encouraged.  This mama's default mode is anger, annoyance, and impatience.  Sound familiar?  But there are times that I see the light breaking through, God is changing me.  Those women, like Sally Clarkson and Susan Schaeffer Macaulay, who seem to have the right words to say at the right time in so many of their stories, have been molded and shaped by the Father. They're not super heroes; they're disciples of Christ who have sought to disciple their children following His model.  It's no pipe dream, God works in our hearts as we're "in the trenches" learning as we go along as parents.

There's so much hope!

Will you reach out, grab it, and enjoy the ride?!

Two Stories on Discipline & Consequences: Part 1 - Elizabeth

Story #1:

Elizabeth loves the show How It's Made.  It is quite fun, seeing how the things we use come into existence: where machines are used in the process, what the machines are like, and how many things are still done manually (A LOT!)  But this post is not about that, it's about disobedience and letting natural consequences teach a lesson.

We were watching one evening, E, B, and I.  I was snuggled up with Brian on one end of the couch.  Elizabeth was on the other.  The first segment was coming to a close and I was interested in listening to the end.

Elizabeth pipes up, "Mommy, when this part ..."

I cut her off, "Let me hear the end of this and then you can talk."

"But, just let me say it, Mom."

"Elizabeth, it's just about over, you may talk then."

"But, it's short, I'll say it fast. I just want you to come sit with me after this part."

I turned off the tv.  That was the end of How It's Made for that day.

Why?  Well, because Elizabeth has gotten into a pattern of doing this with us, not waiting to speak when we ask her to wait, and she was being disobedient when asked to stop talking for a moment.  If I don't teach her to listen to authority, who will?  My request was not unreasonable, there was very little time left.  She needed to simply wait.

Learning to wait is not easy, but I want to help her learn to wait.  This was a great opportunity.

She almost burst into tears.  Almost.  But as I talked with her about how she would not be watching the rest of How It's Made that night, I could see her little mind understanding that it was right, that mommy wasn't mad*, just instructing and training, and that she'd made a poor choice in not waiting.

Let me tell you, it broke my heart to see that sadness in her face.  I desperately wanted to turn that tv back on and let her watch.  I believe, however, that would have negated the growing-up moment for her.  While she bounced along to something else to do before bed, I was left thinking about how challenging this parenting thing is, when we know we're doing good for our kids, but it means they need to suffer a little in the process.  Reminds me of Hebrews 12:11  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

There are tough moments in this calling.  It's good to remember how God gently deals with us in our sin, letting us experience a little pain now and then in repentance & enduring consequences, so we can grow.

It's worth it.

*This was an act of God, simply and seriously.  The Spirit helped me see this as a teachable moment, not just a time to get ticked off and take away the tv.  Praise Him!

What Should We Expect From Our Children? Part III

The last couple of days we have looked at what the Bible says to children and what the Bible says to parents.  As promised, with those things in mind, I'd like to put it together and offer some application.  None of the Bible verses give us really specific plans for training, instructing, or disciplining our children, so there will be great variety among families as to how child rearing looks.  The main goal, is that we think Biblically about what we're doing in our day-to-day interactions with our kids and look forward with a vision of what kind of people we want them to become.  Are we remembering our calling to train, instruct, and discipline them, or are we letting life and the never-endingness of it get us down and make us lazy in our good work?

Here's why I think this is important - a realization I had while preparing these posts - If we don't teach our kids these things, where will they learn them?  Children cannot be expected to behave in ways they have not been taught!  God designed the family and has put us in that position, to nurture and teach them, training them up in the way they should go, guiding them in the way of maturity.  Scripture tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things - children will not choose God's way, left to their own devices.  They need direction; they need parents; they need you!  You're the parent; BE THE PARENT!  Your children desperately need you to step up to this call.

What does that look like?

1. Develop your own relationship with God:  I cannot emphasize this point enough.  In your parenting, God's not asking you to always get it right, He's asking you to be faithful and to trust Him.  We learn to trust and obey, as the old hymn says, by spending time with the Lord in Bible reading and prayer.  As God fills us up, we have overflow to offer to our children and the energy to stay committed to training, instructing, and discipling them when the going gets tough.
2. Talk about God with your children: Read Bible stories with your kids; tell them what God's teaching you; share prayer requests and pray together; tell stories from your life of God's faithfulness and loving-kindness toward you; enjoy the beauty of creation together; explain to them how God's placed you in authority over them to train them, which sometimes means enduring natural consequences or other appropriate discipline.  (Just a few ideas to get you started!)
3. Be consistent in discipline: In this we help our kids to grow up in the command to honor and obey your parents.  It's a blessing to our children to set limits, establish expectations, and consistently train them in righteousness.  When they know the rules, they may be angry with the consequences, but at least they're not surprised!  Friends, this can be so exhausting - going over the same rules, giving another time out, talking AGAIN about how x behavior is no appropriate, sending them to apologize another time.  But this is training.  It's a marathon we're in here.  26.2.  No sprint to the finish.  (See point one on how we draw strength for this calling.)
4. Get connected to a community that supports you as a parent:  When I lived in Cambridge, I attended a Tuesday morning Bible study.  And while it was not a mommy group, there were mostly moms in the group.  I got food from the Word and also had a place to ask questions about what the heck I was supposed to do in specific situations (behavior, potty training, quitting thumb sucking, etc.)  And I'm not out of the woods, I'm still seeking out older counsel for guidance and hanging out with moms who have kids my age to delight in and grumble about our kids!

My thoughts here are in no way exhaustive.  I just want to follow God's way as a parent and encourage you to do the same.  May God bless you as you train, instruct, and discipline your children!  And may He increase your love for them as you watch them grow and develop; children are such precious gifts from above.  What a blessing that we get to grow up with them!

For further reading:

Anything by Sally Clarkson, but particularly Ministry of Motherhood

Grace Based Parenting

Boys Should Be Boys

For the Children's Sake

Boundaries with Kids

Any books you would suggest?

What Should We Expect From Our Children? Part II

Yesterday we looked at the Bible's directions for children.  As a parent, there are some nice verses we can quote to our kids, "REMINDING" them of their call to obey.  But, all joking aside, we must be careful, because guess what?  The Bible also has directions for parents, and as you will see ... we've got a much greater responsibility than our children!

Before continuing, however, I want to remind us all (myself included) that studying Scripture and seeking God in anything is not about getting it "right" - here, becoming a perfect parent.  The goal is to know God more - He is, after all, a perfect Father - walk closer with Him, and seek to glorify and enjoy Him, and guide our kids in the same direction.  So, here are my BOLD statements before going on:

YOU WILL FAIL; Jesus' forgiveness is REAL.

YOU WILL GROW; transformation by the Holy Spirit is REAL, too.

Now, [deep breath] let's look to the Bible as our guide.

I like categories, so I'll present three that I see emerging from Biblical teaching to parents.  Then, tomorrow I'll write a final post, putting it all together with more of an application focus (and some book recommendations, of course!)  My apologies if you're left hanging today, but often God speaks to us in those "loose ends" places, doesn't He?

Scripture gives us direction as parents as to our MESSAGE, ACTIONS, and ATTITUDE in parenting.

MESSAGE

Deuteronomy is full of directions for parents; in chapters 4, 6, and 11 God tells them several things:

• Remember/Don't forget who I am and what I've done
• Love and obey all my commands
• Teach my Word to your children - all the time!

God knows we modern folk are prone to forget that He's redeemed us from slavery, just like the Israelites.  Having children to teach is a wonderful way to keep from forgetting - we've got to love, honor, and remember God in order to point our kids in that direction.  The message God gives us to impart to our kids is about who He is from Scripture and what He's done in our lives and how to best love and obey Him according to His Word.

ACTIONS

Proverbs addresses more the issue of disciplining our kids.  I've found in some Christian circles this automatically means spanking the disobedience out of our kids.  Hm....  It's based on a few verses (Prov. 23:13-14, 29:15) and sadly we can be deceived into believing that the right method will somehow make our kids turn out "right."  But these verses are only part of our calling, not the primary focus.

Proverbs 22:6 says Train a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.  As parents we're not simply disciplinarians in the punishment sense; we are trainers.  We are our kid's God-ordained coaches!  We help them to learn that disobedience has consequences, that obedience can be difficult but brings reward, that growing up and improving takes work and practice, that good things come to those who wait.  patiently.  on the Lord.  Training involves much more than punishment, it's a life-long discipling of our children.  Not only showing them how they're disobeying, but teaching them to obey - what is right.

Ephesians 6:4b says [fathers] bring [your children] up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  Just as God shows us what is disobedience and what is obedience, we do the same for our kids in our parenting.  More on this tomorrow, but the take-away point here is that we have an immense calling that spans  our childrens' life-times; no quick fixes here, "slow and steady wins the race."

ATTITUDE

Have you ever considered your attitude toward your children?  One moment we can be overflowing with love and affection, and then next minute crazy frustrated and wildly harsh because of some behavior our kids display.  God knows this and issues two warnings to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21; I believe they apply to all parents.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

I've exasperated and embittered my kids.  This often happens when I'm expecting behavior from them that's not age-appropriate or have not taken the time to train them what would be proper in a specific situation.  As we rear our children, we need the Lord to work on our heart attitude toward the calling He's given us in raising these little eternal beings, ('cause let's face it, sometimes we wish our kids would go away or be 18 already - we're sinful too!)

More tomorrow, friends.  For today, let me pray for us:

Lord, we see in your word a calling to something we cannot do on our own.  We know the damage parents can do to children, perhaps even the way our own parents fell short of this calling.  The pain can run so deep. Remind us of Your love for us, Your desire that we share in Your holiness, Your tender care for us.  There is no God like you.  Fill us with a desire to know your Word, apply it to our lives, and teach it to our children.  We need you and we love you.  Thank you, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for giving us all we need for life and godliness and for the depth of Your forgiveness in Christ - what a blessed message we have to give to our kids because of who You are.  Amen.

What Should We Expect From Our Children? Part I

You don't need to spend too much time in a bookstore before coming across the expansive parenting section.  There's no shortage of literature to help guide you in your parenting pursuits.  If you read a few books on similar topics, however, you will quickly find contradictions.  Seriously, how are we supposed to have any idea what we're doing?!

I've been wondering what exactly I expect of my children.  Have I even thought critically about it?  Honestly, when I seek out a parenting book, often I'm looking for a quick fix for something my kids do that annoys me!  (re: sleeping, whining, hitting, talking back, etc.)  You too?

Upon reflection, I had a strong feeling this was NOT what God had in mind when He made me a parent.  So, what does the Bible say?  What are we supposed to be doing?  What should we expect from our children?

I knew the Bible talked about children obeying their parents; it's one of the 10 commandments, for goodness sake!  But was that it - simply turning my children into obedient robots?  Seemed a little shallow.  Over the next couple of post, I'll flesh out my findings, hopefully encouraging us as parents to love our children in accordance with God's call and directions and to depend more on Him in the process.  Part I (today!) will focus on God's word to and about children; in Part II we'll turn to God's word to parents; and in Part III we'll put it all together with some practical application and a good dose of hope ... I hope!

Two major themes emerged for me in my (surely not exhaustive) study of children in Scripture:

1. Children are expected to honor and obey their parents.  There's no way around this one; it's stated as such in both the Old and New Testaments!  Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20
2. Children are precious to Jesus and teach us about believing in Him and participating in His kingdom.  Jesus called the children to Him and blessed them - saying things like the kingdom belongs to such as these and become like little children to enter the kingdom. Matthew 18:2-4, Mark 10:14-15, Luke 18:16-17

 So, pretty simple then, our kids need to obey us, and that's that!  We tell them to obey and that doing so pleases God, and they obey, right?  Well ... if you have children, or know any children, or were a child once, you know it is not that simple.  That's where the commands of God to parents come into play.  We'll address that subject tomorrow.  It's not for the light-hearted, so prepare your hearts

As a quick sidebar for further reflection, I want to highlight two things Jesus said about our interactions with children.

1. Welcome a child in Jesus name, and you're welcoming Him: Matthew 18:5, Mark 9:37
2. Cause a child to sin, and you're in deep water! Matthew 18:6

Praying for Our Children

My Aunt Jill sent me this weekly prayer guide for parents.  I can always use help getting started praying for my kids; sometimes I'm not sure how to pray for them.  These are great categories through which you can speak specific requests to God for each of your children.  Such guides can also help us as parents think about how we can train our children in areas of service, loving God, loving truth, etc.

PARENTS PRAYER GUIDE

MONDAY: Ask the Lord to completely surround your children with emotional, physical and spiritual protection.

TUESDAY: Pray that the Lord will strengthen your children’s faith and will fill them with a passionate desire to want to seek and know Him, His word and His will.

WEDNESDAY: Ask the Lord to give your children godly wisdom in choosing their friends and peers, and to give them strength and courage to boldly take a stand for what is right.

THURSDAY: Pray that the Lord would renew your children’s mind. Helping them to remain pure in their thought and deeds.

FRIDAY: Ask the Lord to extend His blessing over the activities of your children, both academic and extracurricular, giving them alertness and clarity of mind. Pray also for encouragement in their defeats and humility in their victories.

SATURDAY: Pray that your children will be sensitive and compassionate to the needs of others, and that the Lord will help them act in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

SUNDAY: Pray for and seek blessings for those who are in authority over your children, asking the Lord to give them wisdom and understanding as they instruct your children.

Here, from The Message translation, are some verses for meditation, Romans 12:1-3 and 13:11-14 that my aunt included in her mailing to parents at her church.  (emphasis mine)

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!

God bless you as your pray for and train up your children!