Day 21: Love and Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful institution created by God.  I highly recommend it to those considering making the commitment.  However, you must know that when you get married you are marrying a person - not an idea, not a fantasy, not a robot - a real, live person.

So when Colin and I tied the knot, we not only got the joys and pleasures of till-death-does-us-part companionship and one-fleshedness.  We also brought our own sin and baggage into the marriage.  Take two people who love each other, but also each love themselves quite a bit, put them under the same roof and ask them to make life work and you're bound to hear (if the couple is honest) of arguments, grumbling & complaining, judgmental thoughts, etc., even in the midst of the delights of establishing a home, family, traditions, and routines that are unique to that couple that God has brought together.

Since this is my blog, I'll not go into Colin's "issues" and how God has used being married to such a wonderful woman like me to show him errors in his ways and change him ... ha!  If anything, being married to me has only grown him in patience and loving-kindness.  Dear man; if you only knew what he has to put up with!

More seriously, though, two things have come to mind that I want to share with you.  The first, is how God used the husband He had for me to address the pattern of guilt-tripping manipulation in my life.  The second, is how God uses my husband to teach me how much He really loves me.

God Uses Our Spouses to Reveal Our Sin

Like I mentioned earlier, we come into marriage with our history.  We can't leave it at the door; it's part of who we are.  I brought with me my people-pleasing and tendency to try to manipulate people into doing what I wanted them to do.  God, in his mercy, gave me a husband who will not be manipulated.  How convenient for addressing one of my major character flaws - that's God's sovereignty for you!  Because I could not make Colin do what I wanted him to do, I had to learn how to communicate better - talking about things that were difficult or uncomfortable - rather than reverting to passive aggressive behaviors, giving the cold shoulder, or just. plain. pouting.

It is hard to let go of ingrained patterns in our lives.  God uses our spouses and the wow-we're-together-every-day nature of the relationship, within the context of vows made, to reveal patterns of sin that will crumble the relationship if not addressed.  I'm so thankful that Colin is a strong enough man not to bow to a pouting wife.  It's been good for me!


God Uses Our Spouses to Reveal Himself to Us

We'll wrap up a decade of marriage next summer, and honestly, I'm in awe that Colin is still loving me, still likes hanging out with me, still listens to all my jabbering, still tells me I'm beautiful - all in such an affirming and edifying way.  Through his loving commitment to me and my good, I'm reminded that God calls me His beloved.  At moments, Colin is the very voice of God speaking into my life: you are loved; you are cherished; you are precious ... and yes, I do know ALL about you.

That's the most amazing thing to me!  I often find myself so unlovable, yet here is this husband who sticks around through the fun parts of life and through my moods, complaining, and sin.  Praise God for what commitment in marriage teaches us about the great forgiveness of our Lord, the depth of His mercy and compassion, the beauty of belonging to another.

*      *     *

If you are married, Satan would love to undermine your commitment to one another.  We must beware when we are proudly digging in our heels, rather than submitting to our spouse or putting their needs ahead of our own.  Bitterness, judgement, and unforgiveness can creep in so subtly, can't they?  In the book The Power of the Praying Wife, Stormie Omartian tells her readers they must begin with this 3-word prayer:  Lord, change ME.  That has always stuck with me.  When the going gets tough, we look for something or someone to blame (Genesis 3 style.)  In marriage, then, we're tempted to pray things like Lord, change HIM.  Or, Lord, change HER.  Omartain cautions that we must look at our own hearts first, so we can pray for our spouse for his or her good ... not our own!


Let's close today with some action points/questions:

1. In what ways can you let go of your own agenda to better serve your spouse?  Try something new this weekend!
2. How has God used your spouse to conform you more to His image?  Praise God for His work in you and let your spouse know how thankful you are God put him/her in your life.
3. Read I Corinthians 13:4-7.  Ask the Spirit to be working this kind of love toward your spouse into the fabric of your being - it's no lovey-dovey passage ... it's tough stuff not to keep records of wrongs, to be patient, not rude, and so on!

Remember that the point in loving our husband or wife better is to bring God glory.  Look to Him for the strength and energy you need to love and serve your husband or wife sacrificially.  May God bless your marriages as you look back to how He's been at work and ahead to loving one another better.  And feel free to share your own "real life" marriage stories in the comments!

This is Part 21 of a month-long series you can learn more about by starting with Day 1 here.  There are many others doing super cool series this month as well, perhaps you'd like to see the list?

A Wedding Weekend

We traveled to Illinois - my birth state and my mamma's homeland -

to attend my cousin's wedding last weekend.

Here's an overview in photos.

Snacking and stretching and pumping gas at a rest area mid-drive

The Pittsburgh cousins on the sofa in my Aunt Nelda's house in Kankakee.

She fed us a great dinner!

Saturday's sunrise over Wal-Mart; Brian wanted a picture.

Later Saturday morning we headed to Pontiac and Saunemin,

where my Gramma used to live.

Things have changed a bit since I was last there!

lunch at Wendy's

on the front porch of Gramma's apartment building

The field behind the apartment - sadly it was not corn this year.
I'd hoped the kids would be able to run through the rows.

A new quickie-mart/gas station.  This took me by surprise!

Saturday afternoon, Nate and Holli were wed.  I didn't take pictures of the ceremony (because they never turn out very nicely) but it was a beautiful service.  Christian marriages are so special and sacred.  What made this event particularly profound is that Holli is deaf and the entire ceremony was signed.  The most touching time was when silent vows were taken, as they signed to one another what the pastor directed them what to "say" to each other.

 My husband likes to photo bomb me; he is not funny.

The picture there on the left is so hilarious to me ... should we have a caption contest? 

My beautiful sister and her handsome husband.

 Yum, dinner!

It was one serious wedding party!  This is their table, followed by pictures of the gorgeous bride and groom.

Brian participated in the throwing of the garter;

he stood like that the entire time.

The children at the wedding (and there were many) had a great time dancing.

Brian has some moves, people.  If I get my act together, I'll post a video.

Sunday morning we breakfast-ed with the family and then hit the road for home.

Brian was a bit wiped out by the end of the drive.

Congratulations Nate and Holli!

May God bless you with many years together, as you navigate the ups and downs of life as a team.

We wish you much happiness and were so glad to be with you!

Lewis, on Love & Christian Marriage

But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace witch both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else.  'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

Mere Christianity, p . 109

For Wives

Proverbs has a few things to say about wives, vivid descriptions of how we can be a terror for our husbands or bring them great blessing.  I want to do the latter, but it does not come naturally.  

Remembering these words of Scripture, however, can guide us in our interactions with our husbands.  (After all, who wants to be described as decay in her husband's bones, a constant dripping, quarrelsome, ill-tempered?  And we certainly don't want our husbands to feel like they'd rather live up on the roof or in a desert!)

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown,

but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

12:4

A foolish son is a father's ruin

and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

19:13

Better to live on a corner of the roof

than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

21:9

Better to live in a dessert

than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

21:19

Better to live on a corner of the roof

than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

25:24

A quarrelsome wife is like

a constant dripping on a rainy day;

restraining her is like restraining the wind

or grasping oil with the hand.

27:15

The point, however, is not having a good reputation or even being able to check "be good wife" off our to do list.  It's about loving God and loving our husbands.  Proverbs also says these things:

He who finds a wife finds what is good

and receives favor from the Lord.

18:22

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents

but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

19:14

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

she brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

31:10

We are in relationship with our husbands; we've been given to them by the Lord!  How, then, can we honor God in that relationship?  As we spend time in the Word and prayer, as the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin against our husbands, as we draw nearer to them in intimacy, we will bring more good and less harm to our husbands.  As I said above, it's not about us, it's about God.  Are you honoring God in your marriage?

I don't always.

But God is a redeemer and a life-changer.  As we cling to Him, pray for our own hearts to change, pray for the good of our husbands (not that they would be changed, but that God would bless them*), and choose to do good to them, whether or not it is returned.  Things WILL happen; God will do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine.

Go, then.  Put yourself aside and be a blessing to your husband today!  Do something for him, just because you love the Lord and want to obey Him in this role He's given you.

Some suggestions to get your mind churning:

• a surprise love note in his lunch or briefcase/backpack
• making a favorite dinner
• getting a sitter and planning an unexpected date
• visiting him at work with a coffee or other favorite drink
• doing the taxes or some other task you know he hates
• give him some "time off" to hang with the guys or rest
• refuse to nag him today about "that thing" he's not done yet
• pray for his day at work, that God would prosper and defend him

I'd love to hear about what you decide to do!

*Stormie Omartian in the first chapter of Power of the Praying Wife says our prayer needs to be these three words:  Lord, change me.  Not, Lord, change him.  Good book, by the way, if you're wondering how to pray for your man.